Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
