I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
