New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
