So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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