I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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