he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Is Oprah even human
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
