I looked at my own cervix.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
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Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
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Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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