I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
