i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
