So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
