The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
