I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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