Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
