i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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