Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
