So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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