it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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