He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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