Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
