you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
