I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
