Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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