My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
