I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So much rum. So many feels.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just had sex on a roof
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
