I'm sorry my penis didn't work
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
