just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
