You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
