IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
