Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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