We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
