I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
