Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
