just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
