Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
