babies were throwing up all over the place
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
