she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
