Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
