god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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