a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
