We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
