another moral hangover. fuck.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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