just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
