it was like fucking gandolphs beard
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Who died my cat blue again?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
