I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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