So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
