Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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