i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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