She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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