My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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