You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
