she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i dont even know how to be here
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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