She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
