Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
