If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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