I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i will never coherently bang her
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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