Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
