hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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